I often find myself in tense relationships with my children when I come home from work. At the time, we are delighted to find ourselves, we jump on the neck. They are there to run everywhere, to tell me their day and I feel very attentive.
Then, when I try to make them do the evening activities, make them come to dine, take their bath, brush their teeth, etc ... the tension rises.
It sometimes ends ... in pudding juice (with tears and sometimes, I have to confess, some trowel)!
What to do?
The opinion of Jacques Salomé:
I will make you start, if I tell you that it is relatively simple. It is enough to reposition upstream: more clearly, when I say upstream, it is before the conflicts ...
1) There are several possible parental positions possible
It is important indeed to be able to speak (a day of non-conflict) and to visualize with your children your different parental relational positions (I do not speak of parental roles).
In my own story, when I was the father of five young children, we had spotted four of them, which I describe:
• the "mother" position: a rewarding, caring, oblative function.
=> The one you exercise when they come home from school and seem to enjoy.
• the "mother" position: a more frustrating, more interdictive, possibly more coercive function, which you also exercise when you ask them to do their work, toilet, etc ...
=> Function, as you have noticed, that they do not like.
• the position "wife of their father or husband" that at times, you are turned towards him ... than towards them.
=> They do not like it too much and sometimes try to infiltrate, to sabotage this position ...
• the position "full-time worker" (outside or inside), that is to say turned to a task to accomplish.
To this should be added an older position that is often reactivated, that of ex-girl, when by their behavior they wake up in you hurt person, humiliated, rebellious or joyful, dynamic etc ...
2) In practice
When I say visualize, I invite you to find a simple "representation" of these different functions.
We, as for us (the mother of our children and myself), 5 boleros without sleeves, that is to say that we can put on very quickly, and on which were written roughly: mother, mother , worker, wife of your father, ex-girl.
I had 5 baseball caps: dad, father, professional, your mother's husband, ex-boy.
The children understand perfectly.What they do not accept is the collusion "we are mom or dad and suddenly we move to the mother or father position ...". When the positions are stated, they laugh: "ah here is the mother who announces, will have to work!". This can be done by enlarged photos, drawings, caricatures, etc.
3) Even days ... im-fathers days!
I conclude by adding that you know that there are also even days (fathers) and odd days (mothers). If we are on June 20th, as it is a father's day, it is impossible to make a request to the children. If they object, refuse, do not insist by mentioning: "if your father was there, it is he who would ask the requirement of father!". The next day, it will be an odd day, so a mother day ... and it will be up to you to perform the function "mother".
Do not think I'm joking. I have received many testimonials since I launched this 15 years ago in a conference.
Last precision: when you leave the position mom, do not go immediately to the mother position, but take for a few minutes the position "woman", for you take care of you. They will also take care of them during this time, remembering that in a few moments, they will have to face the mother!
Sincerely on this path of life.
Resource book: Dad, mother really listen to me (I read)