I doubt my feelings
I have been married for more than 16 years. For more than 2 years, I suffer from anxiety, moments of depression during which I have ruminations on the nature of the feelings that I carry to my wife. At first, I feel sad, then I start to test myself wondering if I love my wife. Although at first the answer seems clear to me, as the anxiety increases, I do not know anymore and I'm afraid of not loving it anymore and I can not feel the "yes" any more. Paradoxically, if I answer no, I can not say that I adhere to it but it is heavy. What worries me is that I am very scared to end up leaving more room for doubt and eventually tell myself, "If I doubt it is that it may be true". Yet, as every time, it will disappear suddenly and I would find ridiculous these thoughts. How can one explain the occurrence of disorder if it is one? winup
I fully understand the confusion that is yours. Living constantly with uncertainty is tiring, especially when it comes to feelings! Having said that, let me ask a question: who said our feelings should be permanent? That there should never be any jerks and challenges? It seems normal to us to wonder about the love, the tenderness, the friendship that we carry to others. ? And normal also to question us about the feelings they feel towards us. You seem to be in an illusion that seeks to undo any inconvenience and that tends to settle you into a positive sentimental eternity that nothing must come to break. We are beings of doubt and this one is there to make us progress, to question our initial choices, to upset us. This is certainly not comfortable but necessary for good personal and relationship development. For me you do not suffer from a pathology in the strict sense of the word but rather an existential difficulty to accept that things can have an end. Moreover, your positive cycles exist and reflect that your love and attachment to your wife and family are present.
I can not recommend too much work on yourself and on your relationship to death and finitude so that you can go to an acceptance (even painful) of the fact that everything ends and that everything always ends with disappear, objects like beings and like feelings.