Impossible to make love without thinking about the incest between my father and my sister

"TV was broadcasting a TV movie about incest, and suddenly my older sister shouted," Daddy did the same to me! " ... Five seconds to say the unspeakable Of my emotions, of his feelings, my sister does not tell me anything: this area remains secret.I am 9, she 16. At the time, this brutal revelation does not change anything to my existence, but a cleavage takes place in me: on the one hand, there is my father, of which I am the favorite, who has never caressed me in an equivocal way (he has never tried to attack me or my little sister), on the other, a monster that I can not really integrate into my thoughts ...

So that the outside world does not know anything about his behavior and our "abnormality" collect Iive, my father, until his death two years ago, put his family "in secret": he cut us off from others. Prohibited from attending my mother's family or having friends, no one was to come home. And we, his children - my two sisters and my brother - were deprived of privacy: he read our mail, did not allow us to have private conversations ... At the age of 20, I met a man, my current companion, and I decided to speak. Because, on this occasion, I discovered how much the secret poisoned my emotional and sexual life: it was impossible for me to make love without thinking about it. My father died without apologizing. For me, the mourning was terribly painful. I lost dad I loved ... and hated because of what he had done. In addition, it was the end of my hope for a family reconciliation. My sister never wanted to call him to account. Even today, she prefers silence ... the opposite of me. Me, I speak, I speak.

Hoping that this secret will eventually erode, wear out. It may seem paradoxical, but to me the most obscene is not its content - incest - but the toxic effects of the unspoken, the obligation to shut up. My older sister closed the debate definitively. She says it's time to move on. How can she believe that silence heals? Her children are having fun with each other at incestuous sex games, she claims it's normal. Her husband, who admired my father terribly despite the harm he had done, is as much about preserving the secret of the outside world. My family is of foreign origin and I could never marry a man born in the land of my ancestors: lest it start again. Neither my brothers and sisters nor I mentioned this subject with our mother. Does she know? And, if so, what does she know? She has a very tense relationship with our older sister who finds her guilty.In his eyes, mom has necessarily been an accomplice. How did she not notice the nocturnal absences of her husband when he went to join their daughter in her room? I do not know if I would ever find the courage to question her. "

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