#Chronic 1: The importance of positive everyday communication
Note: Audelya, a young lawyer and mediator in the making, will talk about the importance of communication in a couple and in a general way. This is the subject of his first column. Good reading.
In this first column, I will explain through various examples of everyday life, the impact of communication on the mind.
Contrary to what one might think, using speech to express oneself is not always easy.
Yet, it can ease tensions and improve your positive vision of life in general. More importantly, it can heal the greatest conflicting relationships.
I insist on the importance of communicating, of dialogue, because I have noticed that even if speaking is an ability made available to humanity since the dawn of time, we do not use enough! This is a shame, because it can act important daily reducing the weight of life.
We all have speech, but sometimes I feel it's a lot more to say useless things or negative things than constructive and positive things.
At a time when in the world hyperconnection is master of everyone, where relations are only a social network, the communication by speech fades more and more giving way to individualism.
People lock themselves little by little in their bubble without realizing it. And when a person dares to enter, they feel uncomfortable, even assaulted.
For example if you take public transport, can you tell me how was the person sitting in front of you? Remember how she was dressed? More simply, can you remember the ratio of young to old people?
Dare to look
Look at the number of people who can be in the same train or bus without looking at each other, talking to each other, paying attention only to the phone they're watching or the music they're listening to.
It's like everyone is building a small barricade around him.
I spoke of individualism. Exactly.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but the only thing that matters to you today is not to ask you how you could approach this stranger and start a discussion with him / her, or how you could do to give a little more positive to the person in front of you.
It's just you, you and everything around you. Your feelings, your feelings, your ability to do things.
Which of you still wonders what experiences he can still do to make the most of his day? Or, what unknown to address to give the suspense to know if this impromptu meeting will change the course of his day? Who cares about the vision of the other on any subject? Who really leans in his social and intimate relationships to know if the communication is really present ?
It is the revolution of the era of sharing that vanishes under the weight of the advent of " I ".
I call that "Fast-food relations". When it does not work, we break and we move on. While communication could save so many situations ...
I will ask you to imagine something.
Imagine yourself in a bus. You have your eyes on your mobile phone. You explore your messages, you check your Facebook or Twitter notifications ... In short, you are busy to pass the time.
Suddenly, it's the drama.
A person accidentally crushes your foot, hurting you a lot.
My question is very simple:
How would you react?
Unfortunately, most people will react in a rather unsavory way: a bad look, a reflection, insults, and sometimes even a scandal.
This is simply called the reaction.
If for some, reacting is the proof of honor and self-esteem, it is often the sign of weakness, of bad observation and more particularly of an emotional wound.
Take the time to observe
I have something to offer you.
If, instead of reacting like this, you take the time to observe?
Take the example of public transportation.
You actually observe that there are people in this bus. That the one who crushed your foot gave way to a senior and stood in balance time to regain stability by putting his foot.
Then, you realize that it was because this person could not see the floor because of the number of people hiding his foot, that it was placed unfortunately on yours.
But now, tell me.
Did this person apologize when she felt her foot meet yours?
Not even ?
So, let's imagine she did not apologize.
Maybe that's because she did not think it was useful to apologize for a simple inattention. Maybe she felt she was going to skid, it's possible, is not it? Maybe she did not know who her foot was so she could apologize. Maybe ... there are still other reasons.
It is not a shame to try to put yourself in the other person's shoes to understand his situation.
This is called the compassion.
Honestly, now that you have been better able to observe the situation, between us, does this person deserve such disdain?
You know what ? The present world has forged honor, rancor and revenge.
We are ready for anything to be right, to be respected. Woe to the one who looks at us badly, who gets us a smile. Woe to ourselves to to say "sorry" and to confess his mistake.
I will say that the main problems affecting humans are only one major problem: the ego.
The main target of the ego is communication. It attacks the most obvious faculty of man and most inherent to him to prevent him from exercising it.
In this article I will focus on communication.
To become aware of the dialogue to avoid suffering
My name is Audélya, I'm 25 years old, and I'm currently a student lawyer for two months. Despite my young age and my lack of experience, I hope to make the role of the lawyer no longer that of the defender at any cost of the interests of his client, but that of the communication reinstatement. A balancing lawyer so that each party can find his account. Certainly, it will go through the defense of the person who has asked me, but on the condition that it is open to an amicable settlement.
A special day was organized by the school where speakers trained us on this practice of amicable more and more widespread. I, who aspire to restore peace in every conflict since entering university, have realized the importance of evolving in a respectful and cordial framework.
The example of divorce
Take the example of divorce.
I have nothing to teach you about the carnage of marriages flowing and crumbling under the weight of quarrels and refrains. The proof is, the figures are alarming: in France, nearly 45% of marriages end in a divorce. In the United States, it's worse.
I thought about it.
Should divorcing spouses erase the years that brought them together? Does love become non-existent as soon as misunderstanding, treason, or deception has been declared?
Why go to war instead ofe find constructive solutions ?
In fact, most people do not accept past events that have occurred. It would be much more instructive to work on their relativity: what is done is done.
It belongs to the past. It is no longer in the present this thing produced.
This mistake for some, this horror for others, ends up haunting your spirits at the same time as it locks you into an inner dialogue. It cuts you off from the reality of what the other really is.
By this turmoil, you come to demonize it.
So you deeply blame yourself for giving him your full trust and you feel helpless. The only weapon you have is to hurt. To hurt you.
You become everything you were not
Because you think you are wrong and that the U-turn is impossible, you opt for the easy way: you change your meaning.
It's your survival instinct. When you have nothing left, you make your self-esteem speak. How could you inflict this on yourself?
You become everything you were not: embittered, unpleasant, vengeful. You curl up sometimes, refusing to talk to your friends about any subject. For many, you do not dare to say what hurts you. You reject it, moreover, this evil. Everyone goes in his own way: by word or silence, by vengeance established by laughter or by tears.
You are going against nature. You do not agree to be mistaken. So you want another one with all your soul!
Yet the behavior of the other affects us just as much as we did not see his tangent side.
You would never have thought such betrayal of the person you loved.
In reality, you blame yourself because ultimately the person in front of you is only your mirror.
What disturbs us actually reflects an emotional part in us that is not integrated. Lirone will tell you more about this topic.Moreover, you should read the following article: happiness, and if everything was played before 30 years?
In any case, by continuing to ruminate and constantly rejecting the fault on the other, we forget the fact that the judicial proceedings are extremely long, expensive, and we lock up a little more each day in the silence that feeds our hatred .
Finally, it is the lawyers who make war at the same time as the barrier set between the parties is strengthened.
Only, at the end of a procedure, admitting that an adulterous man was brought to justice by his ex-wife and that this one has won his lawsuit, the relations between the two individuals will not change for all that.
They will be marked both by an emotional imprint.
The woman will find no real satisfaction with the defeat of her husband, because in fact, what she desires in the depths of herself is a "forgiveness".
Excuses that will allow him to see the separation no longer as a revenge, but as a consequence of a relationship too difficult to hold.
The important thing in what happens to you is to know accept things as they come because you can not change them. Do not hesitate to find solutions to continue to keep your inner serenity that has been disturbed. It is tempting. And that's the hardest thing in the end.
Parents do not even apply the advice they give to their children
Instead, many parents behave like children, devoid of any ability to "make peace" with each other. Put simply, they are unable to relativize to move forward.
These same parents who tell their child to apologize, to express empathy, not to be resentful and to be in love with one's neighbor.
But what about them? Why not apply one's own advice?
Selfishness, individualism come back at a gallop.
So, at each stage of the procedure, everything starts again. All this really prevents us from accepting history and continuing our journey. All this constantly brings us back to the error of the other, to our error.
So we crack.
We are fed up, we get depressed, we enter a vicious circle that convinces us not to want to go out while finally it is our inner being that suffers the most.
Why not turn the tide? Why remain clinging to the rules of state justice instead of acting with justice of heart?
Let's take a last example: imagine that you have a strong fight with a loved one and have gone to bed with strong emotions such as anger and uncertainty that the solution can be solved.
Even if you slept well, the problem still has not been solved. In the depths of you, this dispute still hurts you. Worse, during the night, it is not uncommon that you unconsciously fueled your anger. As the days or even months pass by, the unresolved problem hurts you a lot. Not only mentally and emotionally, but also physically! All this empties you of your energy.
If you tell yourself that this close does not understand anything. That it is useless to settle anything with him because you do not consider yourself faulty, it's called deny the situation.
Thus, every time you repress an internal problem, it will continue to grow and will do you even more harm.
Talk to each other to find solutions together
Constantly rehashing the bad of others anchor our present in the past.
We do not live in the present anymore.
If our body is there, our mind is gone.
Why commit suicide in our human and cerebral capacities that are specially created to make us think of others, of their happiness, of what allows us to survive and live?
To see one's child grateful and fulfilled, is it not the most beautiful joy of a parent? So why do you force him to suffer from your own actions if it is to blame you later? He risks leaving to make his life alone by eradicating it or to prefer to live with the other parent.
It is likely to reproduce the same pattern. He will force himself to go against nature "not to do as you". Hunt the natural, it reappears.
That's why at your level and right now you have to think about each other. It is important to seek the opinion of the other. From his child, this will allow you to have a more objective point of view. From her future ex-husband, this will put words on your troubles by getting explanations. The separation will happen anyway if it has to happen. So, take it as the event that will mark your new beginning. You will see ! It will be much easier and haunting.
This example is one of many.
I have a present for you…
Through this column, I wish to make you aware of the importance of each of our actions on ourselves and others. No one is perfect and every test is hard to live. We all face situations every day which brings us back to painful moments of the past. Our mind is focused and we lose the taste of the present moment.
You know what ?
We will make a little pact between you and me.
Always have a little notebook on you and a pen. Or really if you can not, write down on your smartphone.
So, in your daily life, every time you find something funny, fun, deep that fills your soul from the inside, write it down.
For example, if you see the beauty of a snowy landscape, write it down. If you see someone singing in the street and it makes you smile, write it down. A child laughing at a school outing, write it down. Do everything to memorize those moments of happiness that life offers you.
In a while, when you find yourself in front of a tree, even under 30 ° C full sun, you will admire it anyway! It will remind you of that moment that you have anchored to your memory and he will become magical. You will be connected to nature.
It's stupid, but a tree is running around the streets, is not it? And yet, how many trees do we see in the spring without realizing the buds that grow there ?! How many children laugh while leaving us insensitive?
In this way, one trains one's brain to look at the positive and to aspire to the positive. Any stupid exercise, right?
Guaranteed result 😊
"Love peace and pursue peace"
Peace means peace with others and, above all, inner peace. But if you are in conflict with someone, you feel tormented, do not you?
At the end of each week, take the time to think about a time that went wrong, and try to think objectively to the reasons why it was not.
The "maybe because I was ...", "maybe I should have ..." write them. Especially if it is a lack of receptivity, listening, attention, or simply because of your mood, your tiredness, your tiredness.
This exercise should not be used to feed the tunes, but on the contrary, to defuse the inner tensions that weigh you down.
By doing so, you will surely find reproaches to make to you.
But instead of blaming yourself for reaction, act by the answer. If you have harmed a person who is extremely susceptible, whatever, the harm is done, tell him forgiveness.
You will surely tell me:
"Do you think it's easy after so many years of suffering, conflict ...?"
I anticipate my answer.
I know it's difficult.
In any case at the beginning. So to motivate yourself, think of the benefits that this gesture will provide you. If the person forgives you, you will find peace. Otherwise, too bad for her, your inner peace will still be present since you acted with heart and courage. You have turned the page for yourself.
If the person in question was a stranger, take it upon yourself to rethink that note if the situation reoccurs with someone else.
If you are the "victim", talk.
In this way, you will re-establish your inner conflicts and avoid destructive suffering. It is by small things that we avoid or produce the greatest damage!